To J's future wife...

As I laid in bed last night, J's sleeping head on my chest, it occurred to me that I'm not able to guarantee my husband 50 wonderful years of marriage. I may not even be able to guarantee a full year. No, I'm not referring to divorce. I am strongly against it, unless dire circumstances have presented themselves and the only way is divorce. I'm saying, God can call me home at any point. I'm not immortal, I have no wish to be. Anyways, J had a rough shift yesterday. He screwed up on clearing his weapon in front of the flight chief. He felt as if he was never going to get better at his job. Mind you, he's been working this squadron for 12 days (not counting his days off). He's fresh out of tech school. This is our first base, so he obviously hasn't had the chance to become really great at his job, but I know he will become one of the better Defenders out there. I spent an hour or so building him back up, as a wife should do. I know if something were to happen to me he'd be devastated for a long while but he would eventually move on. He'd find a new love. This is to you:

Dear J's new wife/fiance/girlfriend,

I'll be up front and honest with you, he's never going to love you the way he loved me. I was THE love of his life but he still loves you too. Clearly I'm dead, dead as a door nail, because you're reading this now. I'm going to help you become the wife I was to him. Here's a list of things to help:
1. Despite what his parents may tell you, he DOES, in fact, like mushrooms. A lot.
2. If he can't sleep, give him a back massage. Knocks him out in .5 seconds.
3. He WILL leave his gear scattered all over. You WILL trip on his boots or second chance vest. Do not yell at him, do not even nag him about it. JUST PICK THEM UP AND PUT THEM AWAY.
4. He won't tell you that he's stressed out. You will feel it and if you can't feel the tangible tension in the room when he's stressed, he has his ticks. He does this weird throat thing. Kind of sounds like he's choking on phlegm. He's not though. Also his left cheek will twitch. That used to annoy me back when we first started dating and I didn't know what it meant.
5. Do the things he likes, even if you don't like it. He's outdoorsy, I wasn't really but I ALWAYS had fun with him when we'd go hiking or even camping.
6. If you don't like guns, you best be turning the other way. He loves them. So did I. Give him a gun budget and let him get the guns he wants.
7. Don't force him to talk. Nobody likes that crap.
8. He will get overly silly sometimes. Even if you're in a bad mood, don't get nasty with him about it. Just ask him calmly to settle down a little.
9. If I died further along the lines and we have kids, love them as if they were your own. It's the only connection to me J has left.
10. Don't ask about me too often. He will tell you things about the Great B when he's ready.
11. Say weird stuff. Not weird like "I'm going to eat your first born" weird, but more like funny weird.
12. He's going to have bad days where he will think his higher ups hate him. Remind him that everyone that has ever dealt with him has always liked him.
13. Ask him what a sasqueetch is.

The rest you can figure out on your own. If you aren't what I expect of you, you can bet your sweet bippy that I'll be haunting you.

Yours truly,
B